Confessions of An Angry Person

Am feeling that my temper is rising and not sure whether this has to do with the PMS thing. Feel that I am fed up of being questioned here and there and to be reminded of the same damn thing over and over again. Sometimes parents just gets on one's exact nerves.

Next thing is the eye strain and the fear that November is arising and that I have so much of things to do and so many unfinished business. Wish that everything will go right. Yes.. will just think success in my head. 

Learning to Live

I learned that if you are too busy going with the flow you will lose alot in life. Also if you keep thinking that you need to have and maintain that safe space for peace of mind again you will lose a lot.

I find that on the mornings that I tell myself I need some much needed nap in the train and not bother to read a book, I am wrong. Most of the time, I find that my brain is unable to keep quiet and instead goes AWOL on me in that it thinks far too much.

So I have made a new resolution this end of the year. It entails as follows:

1. Try to take time to rest yes... but when my thoughts renegade on me and start thinking about work, I either stop and picture blue calm beaches with coconut trees with sweet smelling breeze wafting by or that I open my laptop bag and start reading.
2. Buy the damn ipod and bother about the discount that may come in December.
3. Stop rushing through life.
4. Try to live life differently i.e. stop thinking I have no one to be with me. Stop thinking I can't get here and there without a car. I have to start thinking creatively and just do something without thinking too much.
5. Have more ME time like spas and massages and pedicures.
6. Stop rushing! I have to start rushing to eat because I get bored. I have to stop eating mindlessly because of boredom. Instead I need to remember to put down my fork/spoon with every mouthful.
7. Moisturise especially in the night. Stop skimping the lotions because of laziness.
8. Get up early
9. Do some yoga poses - also in the night.  

Bitterness

Bitterness begone! Bitterness and ill feelings in me ...I release you. Fly away far from me.

I think only the good things will happen to me. I want all good things to happen to me. I want to think money is coming to me in abudance. I want to soar the skies. I want to always have so much of money and never  run out of it. Like the stories that I used to read when I was young...to have a purse where money never finishes and keeps showing up every now and then :-)

My childhood dream.

The Bigger Things In Life

I believe life is too short to keep grudges and it is too shallow of oneself to let life just passed us by. I have awaken. I no longer want to think of all the things that I can or cannot do. I no longer want to subjugate myself under limitations.

I want to always think that I can fly. I want to always think that I am the Best! I want to always think that whatever I want can and will be mine. So to the universe... I am not going to bemoan my life and why you are not answering me. I am going to think that you are my genie in my bottle and you will grant me whatever I want in earnest.

And I yearn to have my own dream home. I yearn to live life happily. I yearn for my parents to be independent and I yearn to be free as a bird. 

Achievement Day #1 - Personal Things

Today I did many things which involved not going to work. Although I did check my mail most of the morning, I also did the following things:

1. Went shopping with my sis-in-law and ended spending more than RM80 per day on some items (yet again) that I needed. Most importantly - I bought the Indian soap that I wanted.
2. I followed mum to get her teeth straighten out. She is much happier right now - pain free. I also bought some more things (will wonders never cease?) - mostly on items which are very cheap and very much needed. Most importantly - I bought a basin to soak my feet each week. I have been wanting to do this for so long. Sigh! Here goes to sweet smelling feet that is well cared for :-)
3. I walked - had my exercise that I have been missing out last whole week.
4. I had a haircut (at last!) something that I have been wanting to do so much since 2 weeks ago. I now look much younger and feel lighter. I look much better - pretty to say the least (smirk!).
5. I checked my mail and thank goodness ... not much of a hullabaloo.
6. My SI worked. So much for receiving salary on time. Now I get to pay myself first every salary month! I also am taking the initiative to not transfer some of the money to my current account. I wish to transfer this to my savings account - so I am forcing myself to SAVE each month. Hurray for me!!

Moving Forward

Ever notice that everytime, someone tries to move forward they move backwards. Maybe the car is difficult to start. Sometimes.. it is just that it needs time to move forward. Sometimes.. it is the way that you have started the car. All in all.... it is a difficult task and one must always think that we need to move forward nevertheless.

To every paladin out there. Be mine again. Bless and shower me with love. I have been without an umbrella for so long. Need your shelter and guidance. I need my Alfonso.

New Things I Learned Online

Yesterday  I scoured the realsimple website and chance up on so many wonderful articles. You can surf this as this URL: www.realsimple.com.

For instance,  I read about the God Box - it is about one lady who wrote all her worries and thanks to God. I also read on what to say during awkward situations, how to make conversations at party, how to live happily and etc.

I plan to start off the God Box. I tend to be a worrier. Just thinking that God is reading my notes and is helping me to resolve this .. will make me happy.

I also plan to incorporate the small little things that you can do in life to make one self's happy. Especially about the 5 minutes or 10 minutes exercises or the brain power game to keep one's brain sharp.

Travelling

I plan to travel next year to make my years of living to be not so static. First  I will need to get myself a car and also a quality camera. Need to look out for some good deals for travel and for the camera. I will no longer put myself on hold for work. I will not be able to grow out of my shell if  I continue to do this.

Wish me good luck in my travel plans! Hurray!

Rise From The Shadows

Each day, I shall rise from the shadows that I have out myself in. I am no longer fearful - read F.E.A.R Flee Enemy and Run.

I shall endeavour to do something new each day starting with the following:

1. Fake it. Smile everyday even if I do not feel like it.
2. Spend more time talking to mum especially when there is nothing on TV
3. Be courteuous even though there are murderous people at work who are not.
4. Start my car lessons again.
5. Look out for zumba classes or dance classes to start in November and commit to it.
6. Look out for travel time.

My destiny is how I make it

Yesterday when I watched the Prince of Persia - the hero - Jake Gyllenhall mentioned more than twice is it up to us to make our destiny rather than leave it to fate. I totally agree with him.

After all it is our life. Who is to tell us how to make our life to be? We - I need to be the captain of my ship. I should be the one who is pulling all my strings and stop letting people tell me what to do. I have always been headstrong but I have always been the docile one to allow people to pressure me to do things and care for them first rather than myself.

Right now...I have a new mantra

My destiny is how I make it. I vow to live my life assomething new everyday. I want to be always be full of energy, full of spirit and have some much of wisdom and inner peace spilling from me ... that it is hard not to see me.

To hell to what people think or say. I am my own woman. I am intelligent\, free and independent. I make my own destiny. I want to be PMP certified. I want to work in a multi national company. I want to be jet setting from one place to another. I no longer what to think that I am weak and I am unable to fly/travel here and there. I just been to Singapore and Thailand without even feeling sick. During the travel week... I have/had nothing but much fun. I was full of spirits.

This is it. I have always been/wanted to be a Project Manager. Now I want to be a department head of my own team and have few people reporting to me. I want to embrace my leadership. I want to put into the gear my strengths as someone visionary and passionate in doing what she wants. These are not mere words. I need to stop downplaying my skills and ability. I need to be me. I will rise atop and will do well in life and career. I want to start living life. No more shall I stay in shadows!

Quiz : Who I AM Meant to be

Well... today after realising that I cant always stay in my secure blanket, I decided to try something new- something that I like knowing but for some time did dare attempt.

This is the result of my answering a quiz entitled "Who I AM Meant to be". You could try this also at the following URL: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Who-Am-I-Meant-to-Be

As for my results - well it is almost 100% true. I do not know how many times, I have been labelled as a leader and a nurturer despite my many failed attempts to remove myself from this labels. I guess I always wanted to be a free spirit but I have always been responsible for another person/life than me since small it is my guess... it is difficult to shake the tag :-)

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE IN CONTROL

You are a leader: You approach everything as though you were born to be in charge. Confident, assertive, and decisive, you know what you want and you go after it. You also look out for family, friends, and community—you feel you know what's best for them—and have no fear of confronting anyone who challenges your ideas. Taking the driver's seat, you also generously donate time and energy to people and neighborhood projects.

What to watch out for: When you feel threatened, or others refuse to go along with your agenda, you can become confrontational and domineering, sometimes to the point of being dictatorial. Practice letting someone else take charge on occasion. Also try meditation; it can help you be-come more aware of your controlling impulses and ease the anxiety that may be provoking them.

Looking ahead: You discover your purpose when you take control of your environment. For you, finding a decision-making role is key. That could mean anything from producing a play to spearheading a global campaign for something you care about. In work, you're suited for leadership positions in education, government, industry, finance, religious institutions, or politics. But you can find satisfaction anytime you're given the autonomy to do things your own way.




YOUR SCORES


Many people have two or three strong striving styles, and they can all be important in leading you to the person you are meant to be. If you have a few "highest" scores, read each matching description, and see what rings most true.



Striving to help: 12
Striving to be recognized: 15
Striving to be creative: 13
Striving to be spontaneous: 9
Striving to be knowledgeable: 16
Striving to be secure: 16
Striving to be in control: 18



STRIVING TO HELP
You scored: 12

You are a nurturer: You are caring and supportive in your personal relationships as well as in your job. Unselfish and altruistic by nature, you often anticipate the needs of those around you before they are aware of them. If there is one thing that brings you satisfaction, it's tending to others.


What to watch out for: When you're doing things for people only to feel valued, you can become resentful. And if you sense that your help is not appreciated, you may end up playing the martyr. So before giving your time to everyone else, make sure to take care of yourself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). And practice waiting until someone asks for help: While you may be able to perceive what a person needs, that doesn't mean she wants you to attend to it.

Looking ahead: It's important for you to be genuinely of service in acknowledged ways. Whether you foster a child, care for an elderly aunt, rescue animals, or support a rock star's career as her personal assistant, look for opportunities where you can help other people or bigger causes. Volunteer work has your name written on it, as do many careers: nursing, teaching, customer service, healing, social work. Don't feel pressured to run the company or lead the project; you may be even more effective as someone's right hand. And you'll likely find working with other people more meaningful than flying solo.




STRIVING TO BE RECOGNIZED
You scored: 15


You are an achiever: Ambitious, competitive, and hardworking: That's you. With a clear image of who you are, you work tirelessly to make sure your accomplishments are recognized. Your drive for success extends to your family, and you invest a lot of energy in helping them live up to your expectations. Thanks to your knack for diplomacy and abundant charisma, you often inspire others.

What to watch out for: You are prone to becoming a workaholic, slaving away toward success while neglecting your personal life. Because you're driven to gain approval, you can find yourself performing for others like an actor; if you become overly concerned with your image, you end up feeling superficial. To keep your ambition under control, get involved in group activities that require cooperation. Also practice listening to those around you and think about sharing the spotlight from time to time.


Looking ahead: Any career that allows you to scale the ranks and gain recognition, status, even material rewards, lights you up. Actress, entrepreneur, salesperson, politician—you get the picture. And consider balancing your professional challenges with personal ones: Run a 10K, train for a triathlon, compete in a tennis tournament, bike from one end of your state to the other; or join a debate team, play in a poker circle, enter your purebred spaniel in a dog show. Whenever you can win at something, you're happy.


STRIVING TO BE CREATIVE
You scored: 13


You are an artist: You came out of the womb with a paintbrush in your hand. Or maybe it was a flute or a castanet or a fountain pen to go with your poet's imagination. The point is, you're an original, and you know it. Even if you don't have a singular gift, you're drawn to the arts—anything creative, for that matter—and you have a unique way of looking at the world. Your need for depth and authenticity in relationships can lead to both great joy and profound sorrow, depending on whether others reciprocate. You don't care so much about adapting to group or societal expectations; your independence and sharp intuition propel you on your own path.

What to watch out for: When fear of conformity overrides your creativity, you can assume the role of "outsider" or "orphan" and end up feeling alienated. You may even go so far as refusing to vote or pay taxes. This lone-wolf stance might be a defense against feeling vulnerable. Try to be aware that blaming others for your banishment, or pushing away those who want to get close, only makes things worse. Also, dramatizing your emotions can interfere with your creativity.

Looking ahead: As long as you genuinely express yourself, you feel like the person you were meant to be. How you do it is irrelevant. A chef or architect can be as much of an artist as a painter or sculptor. Many advertising and public relations executives are also highly imaginative. Beyond work, there are opportunities everywhere you look to coax out your inner artist: Design your own jewelry line, create an innovative blog, dream up a comic strip. Relationships are another avenue for self-expression.




STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You scored: 9


You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.

What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.

Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Wishing For A True Love

Everybody needs somebody and so do I. I am in this part of my life where I know I need a man to be in love with me as I am with him, to have a man to be by my side in my bed, my arms, in my heart and in my life. I want a man to share my life with me. Someone whom I can hug in the morning and come home too. I want a man to be the best friend of my life, someone whom I can share my life, my thoughts and desire with. I want a man. I want him to love me as much as I love him.

Lord God. You have promised me. Since I was small... I knew I always wanted someone to love me more than anything on earth. I want my husband to only love and cherish me. I want to be able to share my heart with. Everyone deserves a someone and so do I.

Prince of Persia

Not sure what is wrong with me. The movies that I keep thinking is not good is actually very good. I watched Prince of Persia today and regret all the thinking that Jake Gyllenhaal was so wrong for this movie. Now I am thinking how right he is for this movie. The movie was awesome. I like the fast pace and the fight scenes. I like that it was not full of love scenes and nudity. I liked the movie and the storyline. They made it to sound like something believable rather than corny.

Also I am beginning to think that I need to come off from this fear of doing the unknown. Where is the girl who was so fearless before? I need to learn to explore new things and not to be afraid of the unknown.

Resuming My Fitness Plan

The week before my Thailand trip, I have been remiss. I forgot and was too lazy one too many occasions to continue my walking up and down the stairs. I also loathed to run up the stairs. Part of the reason was that I was coming home late after work and lacked the energy to exercise - this and also on the fact that after food, my tummy was too full and bloated to even think of walking up and down the stairs.

This week however, I need to drone in my head, to walk up and down the stairs at least 23 times. I also need to think that the moment I wake up, to thank the Good Lord for giving me another day to live and to also think positively that today will be a successfully happy day for me and that I am a rising star. After this, I will dedicate at least 15-20mins by doing some yoga.

I better be also waking up to take up jogging or walking to build up my stamina. I need to be present of mind and of heart.

Weekend Is Here

Hey!! The weekend is around the corner and I am so happy. It has been a long week. I guess most of my energy is spent getting angry all the time - two days when I was back to Malaysia. However today I am much cooler and calmer. I guess by just thinking about being good and cool does wonders for me.

Tomorrow I plan to wash my hair, get it cut and style and see whether I can book for a hair massage/care/moisturizing on Sunday. It is time that I begin to look after my hair and legs as well as I do with my face. I also brought back the ACV that I bought weeks ago. I plan to start drinking it again in the morning as well throughout the day. I have to get my hands on a bottle - which is not plastic to store ACV so I can drink it without much queries from my colleagues. I know ACV is good for me. I have begun using it for my baths. It works wonders for my skin - giving my skin a lovely sheen of good health. I plan to scrub a dub tomorrow with ACV and Himalayan salt - need to get rid of all the dust and grime that I brought back from Thailand :-)

Tomorrow I plan also to give a good scrubbing to my feet, wash my shoes and probably go out to Subang to see whether I can buy new shoes. I also plan to copy out all the Mind Your Language vids and keep this in my external hard disk so I can come home to watch some comedy and maybe laugh my head off. Other than that, I need to clear off the clothes in my luggage bag, wash and iron some of my clothes beginning with my black jacket.

Grateful Log

People say that if you wake up with angry thoughts you remain as it is the whole time. Think new and nice thoughts and these comes to you. I have been trying to think good thoughts and maybe I did not try to think at all.

I am just letting all this anger go. Away from me. I can feel the heat in my face and in my heart. I do not like to be angry. Instead I like to be happy always and feel good in my heart. I like to laugh. The only one thing that made me smile today was a sms from a good friend of mine. Also I had a place to sit in the train today. I had 2 opportunity of having a good shuteye. In fact, I slept on the way back home from work today. I did yell a bit in the meeting but I think I was calm though visibly angry. I am fine right now. I think it is best that I do not spit fire. I resolve to understand that I am always good at what I do. I am always blessed with good brains, wisdom and know how to talk and engage with people.

Back from Thailand

I am back from my Thai trip. It was not a breeze more of a rush. I could not go here and there and buy some stuff back. There were so much of things to be done on a short time. Moreover I had so much of catching up to do with my project - my guess is that I was not thinking right.

Not happy with all the going ons. It looks like nothing is moving from a project perspective - or movement is done on a snail pace.

I am angry. I cannot do anymore tonight. Tomorrow is a long day. I am looking forward for it to be a better day :-)

Till then. I wish I could be placed momentarily in Thailand - it certainly will be a good experience. Moreover I will get a good placing on my resume ;-)

Thailand Trip - Phaya Thai

Hey! What do you know. I am here in Thai at last. We arrived yesterday, boarded a limo, came over to our hotel - Siam City Hotel and had a hotdog for lunch. We then took a walk to work as it is nearby the hotel. We had to cross the road to the BTS bridge and the walk a little bit more to the office. Office was just like the one in Section 14.

Our visit was full of welcome .. well good enough though none too grand :-)
We had a lot of discussions and understood the requirements for both projects. There were some intial confusions at first and I hope - yes I am sure that we managed to dispell the qualms and confusions on how the setup will be.

Dinner was awesome food - expensive but pretty good food. I am now blogging from the hotel. The time in Thai is 1 hour later than Malaysia. I am up early because of the initial confusion that we meet up 8am - Thai time and not Malaysian time!

Anyways... I am watching cartoons as well am checking the email. Looks like I need to chase my fellow team mates as time is passing and the cutover date is very near.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Tomorrow I will be leaving off to Thailand. I am not sure whether I am that very excited. There is so much of pressure on me to ensure that I am not wasting my time there. I am going to school my mind to think only of happy thoughts. I am going to tell myself that I will be a roaring success in Thailand ... my company will want me to me their spokesperson there.

I will teach my brain and also get the Universe to be on my side... to want me to do well in the business deal in Thailand. I want people to praise me for my dilligence and my intelligence. I want them to adore and admire me.

Please dear Universe, give me courage, wisdom and confidence. Bestow upon me blessings, grace, poise and capability to be in the social circle of people to look up to. I want to be an asset to my company and department. I want to be remembered for achieving business benefits.

Things That I AM Grateful for Today

It has been so long that I had wrote a grateful log. It is not that I am no longer grateful.. it is rather that I did not want it to be a chore. Right now, I could do with some lifting of my spirits! The grateful log cheers me on:

1. I had a place to sit in the train today. I was very happy.
2. I managed to save the taxi cab fare just in time to catch the train.
3. On the way home, I managed to get my usual cab. I did not need to haggle the price of the cab.
4. I had a wonderful lunch with my friends.
5. I was invited for another interesting lunch with my boss and friends.
6. I am happy that I picked up the P.A insurance at last.
7. I am happy that I am making wise decisions when it comes to finance and my insurance payment.
8. I am happy that a friend of mine is helping me to save and keep track of my finance.
9. I am happy that I am going overseas. This is my first opportunity.
10. I am happy being happy!
11. I am happy drinking the Tropicana drink. I made a wise decision to buy this.
12. I am happy that my typing skills is getting better and I remember almost all the keys.

Defy The Norm

Today I had a disturbing call. Something that I do not like and the person that I could care less about.  I am not going to bother about it. Lately there are so many disturbing things that I am not happy.. things I could care less about.

I am not happy that people are discussing things about me and whether I am worthy of discussing technical matters with regional countries. I am not going to let this dampen me. Instead, I am just going to work hard in making things go well. I will just keep on doing the right things and then let things flow out from there.

After a while, people will give me a break and let me loose. It is nice to be in the limelight for good things and not the other way around.

God please bless me and protect me from all kinds of danger, gossip and misunderstanding.

Being Fit

Looks like I fell from the exercise bandwagon this whole week and managed to pick myself today.
Despite me trying to be lazy, I decided to push myself to try walking up and down the stairs for at least twice or trice. I nearly did try to escape the walking by sitting down and watching TV again. Only that there wasn't anything interesting on TV so I hauled my butt to walk the stairs again.

This time, I remembered that I read someone that a healthy person should try to attempt to walk up and down the stairs for at least 23 times!

Happy to say, today I just managed to do that. Naturally I did huff and puff.... but this was done unoticeably. I only panted after the 10 round - this is because I did not exercise at all this week. The good news is that I managed to make up to 23 rounds up and down the stairs!

I am so proud of myself right now. In just a bit, I plan to run up and down the stairs. If I want to trek all over Siem Reap, I better get my stamina moving!

Here's me to fitness of my brain and body.

Cambodia Trip

I have an opportunity to fly to Cambodia and engage on unexpected trip with a good friend of mine. This has always been something that I wanted so much. I wanted to go on a cruise with friends. I wanted to explore the world. However I am deigned to think that maybe I am pushing all these too fast, my project will cutover in just about a month from tomorrow and time is running so fast.

If at all I am to go on this trip, I would lose my chance of supporting my team. I wish God would let me go on board for this trip. I hope that I would be lucky enough to get an empty seat and board the plane and that my project due dates will shift to a later date and start on 18 & 19 of October instead of 17 & 18 October 2010.  

Thinking Positively

With all the goings at work and in life, at times, I realized that rather than just react to the melodramas that are happening around me, it is best to just let it pass. When once does their best to keep sane, alot of good things actually do happen.

I sm keeping my fingers crossed. God be merciful to me and bless me with everlasting success, happiness and wealth.

Tummy Ache

I have the worst tummy ache ever since last Thursday. Not sure whether I contracted e-Coli. None that I am happy about. My tummy is just isnt happy at all. In fact it aches like crazy. The doctor says it is gastric since I am gripped with a terrible pain.. I forgot to let her know that the pain is also burning like. How I hate it... need to forgo drinking the orange juice. I hate it. I just want to drink the orange juice. No sure why... I have a crazy thrist.

Watching Movies

Here I am in October, watching movies again. I am happy. I managed to get hold of the old movies starting with Mind Your Language. The MYL was the best comic ever at that time. Looks like I am spinning on the movies watching one after another. It started with listening to Nancy Drew's audio books and then Lost Season 6 and now Mind Your Language. Next thing I will know I would be watching Salt, Inception, and even Supernatural Season 5.

I need to stop all these as I need to start studying my PMP papers.

ACV - Feeling Good

As I mentioned yesterday I was sick with diarrohea. Today after having plenty of ACV o drink, I feel much better. My tummy is still not in the right flora and balance but I know I am getting there. Already I am seeing my skin glowing. I plan to try using this in the bath. I should think it will help me to get rid of all the fungi and whatever dead cells that are not needed and renew my skin.

I am so excited. Two days ago, I bought another bottle of ACV - the expiry is in 2015. I am trying to stop myself from buying another one. Well probably I could wait for the 1st bottle to finish. The second bottle is at work, I plan to pour out some of the AVC into my flask and then drink it before I have lunch each day. Else I have to find a bottle that I can use to store the ACV..

To ACV, bottoms up!